Thomas and the Clichés
by Band8PGeek
Summary: In which the television series 'Thomas And Friends' in recent times is summed up in a nutshell or five. For those who, as Smokin' Tacos put it, "harken back to the olden days, of when Emily was unheard of."
1. Thomas and the Cliches

_**Thomas and the Clichés  
**__A typical Thomas and Friends episode, or at least as typical as it __**can **__be. _

This is a satrical parody of, like, every episode of Thomas in recent series. The reason I know so much of how it works is coz my brother is a fan.  
Disclaimer: the only engine I own is in the first section.

* * *

It was a beautiful day on the Island of Sodor, and the Fat Controller came to the sheds with an announcement. 

"We have a new engine coming today," said the Fat Controller. "His name is Generic Engine Who We'll Never Hear Of Again After This Episode, but you can call him Xemnas. I trust that you will make him feel welcome by completely ignoring him and focusing your attention on our latest disaster."  
"Yes, sir," peeped the engines.

A tidal wave/tornado/house fire (cross out as appropriate) had swept Sodor in the night, so everybody had a lot to do. Thomas had to pick up some glass windows and carry them to the windmill.

Henry, Gordon and James were, for some reason, picking up fallen trees in a siding out of the way. "I'm the fastest," pooped Gordon.  
"No, **I'm **the fastest," pipped James. "I can go faster than you; and anyway, I'm red."  
"My tender is ill," said Henry.

"I love being the fastest," said Gordon, "because I get to break all of the speeding laws on this island."  
"What speeding laws?" chuckled James. "Haven't you heard? Sodor has no concept of law."  
"Then what enables us to take passengers around the island and put them in dangerous situations?"  
"I'm really very unwell," said Henry.

"I don't know," said James. "But it's certainly fun anyway. I love coaches."  
"I love going fast," said Gordon.  
"I love **you** Gordon," purred James.  
Gordon puffed back a couple of yards. "Whoa, James, you can't do that! This is a children's show – we can't say anything beyond the number 15!"  
James sulked.  
"I'm having a heart attack," said Henry.

Meanwhile, Thomas was puffing along his merry way. The glass windows had already been assembled and placed in a haphazard fashion in the trucks. Thomas had once suggested that they assemble the windows when they actually **get **to the windmill, but the driver had just said "Work is Work, Thomas."

"_Singing a song, singing a song,  
__To make this episode seven minutes long!_" giggled the trucks.  
"Shut up," growled Thomas, bumping the trucks.  
This made the trucks cross. "_Hold back! Hold back!_" they screamed. But they held back so hard that they broke their couplings. **Then **there was trouble - they somehow managed to over-take Thomas and head straight for the windmill.  
"Holy shi------er, I mean, bust my buffers!!" yelled Thomas. He tried to warn the windmill people...

_**But it was toooo late. Dun dun duuuun. **_The windows shattered on the windmill blade, sending broken glass flying everywhere.

"OH!" exclaimed Thomas.

Luckily, no one was hurt, but this made the Fat Controller **very **cross. "You have caused confusion and delay."  
"Yes, sir, sorry, sir." Thomas felt _terrible_. And Thomas knew that it was _allll hiiis fauuuult. _

Later on, Emily was taking some flour to the mill. She was complaining to herself about Xemnas. "There should be an even number of boy and girl engines, sexism, I love Thomas," she muttered to herself, occasionally adding things about killer pies.  
Unfortunately, she failed to notice the explicitly-large hole in the bridge she was crossing. (This was odd, as it was intact earlier in the episode.) She almost fell down the middle of the hole! She was hanging on for dear life.

"Help, help me somebody," she screamed. (Were she human, she'd have made a great Princess Peach.)

Thomas heard her calls on the other side of the island, and sped to the rescue, conveniently carrying the breakdown crane with him. His driver coupled him up with Emily.  
He puffed and he pulled. He pulled and he puffed. And finally, he pulled Emily to safety.

"Thank you Thomas," said Emily.  
"Any time, toots."  
Emily paused awkwardly. "'Toots'?"  
"My driver heard it in the ABC Counting Game after last episode."

The Fat Controller came to see Thomas. "Even though the windmill is still without glass, this makes up for your mistake earlier for some reason. You, Thomas, without really trying, are a Really Useful Engine."  
Thomas just beamed.  
"Please, sir, I was just thinking, sir," Percy butted in. "Doesn't it strike you as odd, sir, that we're always repeating the same storylines over and over again, sir, without any variation or plot-twists, sir?"

Everyone ignored Percy.


	2. A Small Sequel

**A Small Sequel to "Thomas and the Clichés" **

The Fat Controller was sitting in his office, looking out at the traffic of trains below. His pet cat rubbed around his knees, feeling ignored as usual.

"Hmm," hummed the Fat Controller. "There seems to be a big problem outside regarding Diesel bumping the trucks, the cause of which is blindingly obvious. Why, then, has no one notified me about this?"  
The cat mewed.

"No, Snookums, I can't go outside and deal with it myself," he said. "I can never go outside my office to deal with a problem unless I'm notified of it by an extra guard who isn't on duty. But they haven't told me anything yet… Why not?"  
The cat mewed.

"Snookums, be serious. I **can't** be an incompetent superintendent who lets his trains wreak havoc over the place. I wear a black hat."  
Mew.  
"A black hat is a sign of authority, remember, kitty?"  
Mew.

"Look, I don't like it any more than you do. But we have to stay strong for the sake of the railway." The Fat Controller's face turned red for some reason. "**But why isn't anybody notifying me of this railway disaster?!**"  
Jeopardy music played as he and Snookums thought about this.  
Sighing sadly, the Fat Controller shrugged. "Ah well. I guess I'll have to deal with it later. Anyway, I'm hungry now, Snookums. I'll go get something to eat."

* * *

Five minutes later, the Fat Controller had laid out a banquet of sausage, bacon, eggs, chips, beans, extra grease, ketchup, mustard, toasted cheese sandwiches, toasted crumpets with cranberry sauce, boiled fish, and for dessert a huge pile of chocolate ice cream sprinkled with chocolate shavings.  
He'd also have asked for a cherry on the ice cream, but he was on a diet.  
Licking his lips, the Fat Controller picked up a knife and was just starting on the sausages--

when the phone rang.

"Oh bother," he groaned to himself. "Why does the phone always ring whenever I'm eating?" He picked up the phone. "Yes, hello? ... Diesel? ... Trucks? ... Problem? ... The? ... Regarding? ... With? ... Yes… yes… oh, go talk to Percival; I'm eating… come on, why don't you just --… G-rated… hmm… yes… OK, I'll go talk to him." Finally, the phone was put down.

The Fat Controller reached for his biggest hat. (He could barely see under it.) "Snookums, take care of the office while I'm out."  
The cat mewed.  
"Oh yeah, the food. Let Mrs Hatt take care of it."

* * *

Out in the yard, Diesel was bumping and banging the trucks so violently that nobody seemed to notice. The Fat Controller came by in his car (even though the office was five steps away.)

"It wasn't me, sir," smirked Diesel, who believed in getting the first word in. "I treat the trucks with respect, sir."

Musing, the Fat Controller surveyed the area. _OK, what have we got? Diesel with a pair of spikes on the front of his bumpers. The trucks with huge spike holes in them. A whole crew of witnesses who could confirm things if they weren't made of clay. A huge pile of -- Ooh, donut. Mmm, chocolate sprinkles.  
__--No, Topham, stay in focus.  
__Let's see… Weather nice for picnic… my two frightened children… carry the one and… _

"Aha, I've got it," he said triumphantly. "It must have been Thomas."


	3. More Cliches for Thomas

**More Clichés for Thomas **

Does anyone remember that very fast engine called Spencer?  
No? Anyone?  
Good, he doesn't feature here. He spent so much time debating whether or not having any more Spencer-centric episodes would boost his reputation, he didn't realize that the executives had found out he already had a TV show on CBeebies in which he co-starred beside Uninteresting Bob's Uninteresting Job and Swanky Yankee. He got fired a few episodes after his debut, ran away to the Sodor China Company and was never heard from again.

So guess which engine was drafted in as a last minute replacement for the snooty ego?

That's right, a little tank engine called Afne. (She claimed it was short for Anthea, but James just said it stood for "Another Fancy New Engine".)

One of the rules for new engines on Sodor is that they always have something wrong with them before becoming the middle-of-the-road cameos they usually end up as. Sodor doesn't take them if they don't. They can find themselves another railway. In Afne's case, it was her constant tendency to peep very loudly in inappropriate places. (Bill and Ben joked she was a trainification of bogus HIT censors.)  
Despite this, the Fat Controller immediately gave her an important job in which she was supposed to remain _very quiet_.

"Why does he do it?" complained Henry. "I'm supposed to be dead by now, but even **I** know that Afne is totally unsuited to this job."  
"Then tell the Fat Controller that."  
"**What are you nuts?!** He'll take away my Welsh coal! I can't do another nickel!"

Thomas rolled his eyes. "Losing your precious peepin' coal doesn't mean you're gonna be arrested," he pointed out in that heavy American-stereotype accent that Pierce had afflicted him with.

"Easy for you to say," Henry pooped. "You haven't been on the fine line between salvation and scrap 50 times since you arrived. The Flying Kipper was especially dangerous, I can't believe-"  
"Tell ya what. I'll take over your duty if you **don't **tell me that story."

"OK. I could use a break anyway. After all, I do only have a few months to live."  
Thomas grinned. Henry had had a few months to live for the past 12 seasons.

"Besides," the tank engine said, "I have a feeling our Afne will get into a pickle somehow. No engine with a flaw ever gets his or her first job without a hitch that gets her into trouble and gives me a chance to show all of Sodor how awesome I am again."

"How do you know that?"  
"Read the script," he laughed as he steamed away.

Henry watched him go. "I think I need a driver that'll give me a **year** to live."

* * *

Meanwhile, Afne was taking plates and mugs up to the Sodor China Company. You know, the corporation to which What's-his-face was sold. On the way, she kept getting warnings about the dangerously and conveniently placed cliff dangling above her line.

"Don't peep on that cliff, Afne," said Edward. "You could cause an avalanche, which could spoil your first time on Sodor."  
"Aw, don't be a silly train analogy. **PEEP.** I'll be OK, Eddie."  
"_My name is __**Edward.**_"

"Don't peep on that cliff, Afne," warned James. "You could cause an avalanche, and I don't want such a pretty engine to get into that amount of trouble."  
"Hasn't Rosie broken up with you yet, Jamie?"  
"Yeah, a couple of times."

"Don't peep on that cliff, Afne," said Percy. "You could cause an aval--"  
"I'm sorry, did someone **PEEP** say something?"

"Dae no peep on tha' cliff, Afne," warned Douglas (or was it Donald?). "Ye could cause a wee ol' avalanche."  
"Och aye the noo."  
"Sorry?"  
"That's the only **PEEP **Scottish I know."

"Don't peep on that cliff," Thomas warned (hey, he had a reputation to uphold). "You could cause an avalanche."  
"OK, sheesh, I won't! Why does **PEEP **everyone keep saying that?!"

5 minutes later…

"Thomas, Afne needs your help," boomed the Fat Controller. "She's peeped on That Cliff and caused an avalanche."  
"I knew that."

* * *

It wasn't as if Thomas had _wanted _Afne to get into trouble, oh no sir. It's just that he jumped at every opportunity to prove himself to the Fat Controller and make himself Really Useful and Really Reliable and Really The Best Engine On All The Railways Of Sodor every few days.

But when he arrived at That Cliff and Afne wasn't there, he almost had a heart attack.

"Where the buffer has Afne gone? She was supposed to be trapped in an avalanche up here!!"

"Did I say 'supposed to'? I meant, uh, 'rumored to be'," he corrected when his driver glared at him.

"Sorry, Thomas, but Afne's quit," admitted the director.  
"In the middle of an episode?!"  
"Apparently the pay isn't _satisfactory to her need_, whatever that means. If we don't increase her paycheck for humiliating herself, she won't co-operate and she'll spill the beans on the way we do things around here."  
"Crikey," muttered Thomas, "our shortest engine yet."

"Could you please go find Afne and try to talk some sense into her? We'll never get this series done if you don't."  
Thomas quickly agreed. He was on a short fuse as it was. "I'll go talk to her. In the meantime, you tell Percy to stop making a mess on the main line; we need it for the obligatory Christmas episode later." He walked away, quietly pondering what time his suit was due back from the dry-cleaners. God forbid if they didn't manage to get out all the grease-stains –

"Thomas, **what are you doing**?!"

He stopped abruptly and blushed. "Sorry, Driver. I'm so used to being in charge that I forget I'm an engine and not The Fat Controller." He quickly steamed away.

Afne ended up doing the episode in the end, if only because she needed enough exposure to get voted onto reality TV show "Sodor's Got The Train Factor". However, she neglected to gently notify both networks of her notorious criminal record (she'd stolen a lump of coal), and so quickly got kicked off of first one show, and then the other. She ended up at the Sodor China Company after all, where she worked alongside and then got into an even-shorter-lived relationship with Who-Was-He-Again.

So guess which engine was drafted in as a last minute replacement for the snooty ego?

That's right, an express engine called --

Oh, you know the rest.


	4. A Song And A Minigame

**A Song and A Minigame  
**_(Coz let's face it, who else doesn't think that they're just an excuse for showmakers to brainwash small children and make less show?)_

Song: Being Really Useful

On an island quite like Sodor  
Where you do the deeds you're given  
Being really useful  
Is the only reason for living  
When everything looks down and out  
And you're lost and all alone  
Being really useful  
Will help us get you home

**But though you're really useful  
****Just remember this one thing  
****You can never be as useful as Thomas  
****Our #1 engine  
****Bow down to Thomas  
****Our ruler and our friend  
****When you submit to his golden rule  
****The good times never end! **

We might not believe in the bad stuff  
Like fortune, fame and soy  
But does it really matter when you've  
Got all our playsets and toys?  
The Take-Along series, that's our favorite  
Or the Wooden series of joys  
That's being really useful  
(So buy all our playsets and toys)

**But though you're really useful  
****Just remember this one thing  
****You can never be as useful as Thomas  
****Our #1 engine  
****Bow down to Thomas  
****Our ruler and our friend  
****When you submit to his golden rule  
****The good times never end! **

(Insufferably long Casio keyboard solo)

**Bow down to Thomas  
****Our ruler and our friend  
****When you submit to his golden rule  
****The good times never end! **

* * *

Minigame: Is Size Really Relevant to Usefulness?

Percy is a green engine, and a Really Useful one. In order to be Really Useful, he has to take a job that will best show his Really Usefulness. But Percy is not as strong as the other engines. Which job will give Percy the best chance to be Really Useful?  
"Personally, I think--"  
Quiet, Percy. The nice children are deciding your job.

At Brendam Docks--  
"Um, we don't really call them Brendam Docks anymore. They're just 'The Docks' to us now."  
OK, who let in the free thinker with the nice children?  
"I'm not The Free Thinker, I'm a boy."

**Fine.**

At _The_ Docks, The Eiffel Tower has somehow made it into a series of trucks whilst remaining intact. It is very heav--  
"Mr Narrator?"  
Yes, nice child?  
"What's a truck?"

…

It is very heavy, and it will take a long time to get to the center of Sodor where it will be demolished and sold for cameo engines.  
"Please, Sir, you weren't supposed to sa--" Quiet, Percy.

**Do you think that this is the best chance for Percy to be Really Useful?**

"No."  
"No."  
"No."  
"No."  
"No."  
"Christopher Columbus."

That's right. The Eiffel Tower is too heavy for Percy.  
"I thought it was more to do with the fact that the Eiffel Tower is not suppo--" Be quiet Percy. He will have to go somewhere else.

In the deep dark forest where everything is scary, there is a Tall Pine Tree on a flatbed waiting to be delivered to the--  
"Please, Sir, I really must object to this."

What is it **now**, Percy?  
"This is Henry's favorite Tall Pine Tree. He wouldn't be very ha--"  
Come on, be serious. Everybody's forgotten about that episode by now. Just like they forgot about Neville, Salty, Whiff and Percy.

"Mr Narrator? What's a Neville?"  
Hush, nice child. I'll tell you when you're older.

"But Sir, Henry wouldn't be very **ha**--"  
_There is a Tall Pine Tree on a flatbed_ waiting to be delivered to the coalmine to be used as firewood.

**Do you think that this is the best chance for Percy to be Really Useful?**

"No."  
"No."  
"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."  
"He's over there."

That's right. The Tall Pine Tree is too heavy for Percy.  
"And if I took it away, Henry wouldn't be very **HA**--" Don't you have anything more original to say, Percy?  
He will have to go somewhere else.

Near Tidmouth Sheds, there is a large golden statue of Diesel 10. It is to be taken to the giftshops of all good railway stations near you to be sold as a collector's item.

"Please Sir--" No, Percy. I'm not interested.  
"But Sir, does anyone remember who Dies--" Of course they do. He's the flagstone villain of the whole Diesels vs Steamies debate. (_Whisperingly, Percy, we're planning to launch it as a campaign for our upcoming big screen movie. We'll make millions!_)  
"But do they even WANT to rem--"  
The large golden statue of Diesel 10 is also very heavy, and will take a longer time than the Eiffel Tower.  
"I wish they'd let me fini--"

**Do you think that this is the best chance for Percy to be Really Useful?**

"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."  
"What's a Percy?"

That's right, nice children! This **is **the best chance for Percy to be Really Useful.

"No it's not--"  
Yes, Percy, it is.  
"B-but I--"  
Percy, this is the **third item.** The third item is always the winning item. You should've learnt that from all the minigames you've been in.  
"But I'd much rather be delivering the mai--"

_SHUT UP, Percy. I've heard enough of your pathetic girl's voice to last me a lifetime. _

...

Ahem.  
Basically what we're saying, nice children with an annoying tendency to sing songs, is that regardless of what Percy wants, he will do the job he's given. In this case, the Diesel 10 silver bronze whatever thingy.  
"But it's too HEAVY."  
I know, Percy. But regardless of how big something is, you can still take it and be a Really Useful Engine.  
Well done, Percy.  
Well done, **Thoma-**-

"Please, Sir. What does Thomas have to do with it?"

Well, I--

"And if nothing's too big for me, how come they didn't let me take the Eiffel Tower? And what will happen to the pine tree? And how come you let Rosie get away with not delivering something heavy? And how come you always interrupt me? Do you know, Sir? **Huh? Huh?! Do ya?! **_**Huh?!**__**DO YA?!**_"

…

I…  
Actually, I'm running a little late here. See you in the next minigame, kids.

_(Yes, even the narrator for a minigame knows when to throw in the towel.)_


	5. Tank Engine Cliches Again

Before the real parody, a non-sequiter.

Trains like racing.

It's a fact of life. It's so much a fact of life that Sodor law dictates that every train has to race against their brethren at least once a month. Their lives may involve working as hard as they would if they were slave labor, but that doesn't mean that they can't have a bit of fun too – the heavy responsibility that hangs on the racers to keep their human passengers and cargo alive by the end of the speed-limit-breakage be danged.

However, nobody likes racing against Thomas. For Sodor law also dictates that any train racing against him comes second by default.  
Because, you know, Thomas is 'just that awesome'.

They tried to slow him down once or twice, just to give them a sporting chance of actually accomplishing first place. Unfortunately, these attempts resulted in either a severe reprimand from The Fat Controller, or Thomas ending up doing something else that 'proves' his superiority against all the others anyway. Even worse and thankfully rarely, the slowdown would work but they'd both reach the finish line together, which was even more painful as it proved that they could, in fact, win were it not for Sodor law.

It was despicable. It was disgraceful. It was another adjective beginning with D.

But, because they were trains, they had to put up with it.

**

* * *

**

Tank Engine Clichés Again  
Alternate Title:

**I Never Said I Wouldn't Try To Beat the Crap Out of The Great Discovery**

_Disclaimer: __Stanley and the role he plays may have been exaggerated for the purposes of this parody. It might not be a big deal, because the series tends to exaggerate character traits for story reasons anyway, but I figured I'd say because I know how picky people can be. Did that make sense?_

The story began, as usual, with Thomas doing all the jobs on the island. He was so dedicated to being A Really Use----  
What was that?  
Oh, sorry. He was so dedicated to being A Credit To The Railway that he didn't mind making all the other engines obsolete in the process.

"Uh, that's not what we usual—"  
Yeah, whatever, it's A Credit To The Railway from now on.

Suddenly, a little narrow gauge called Duncan puffed up beside him, smirk on his face. He liked to tease the tank engine from time to time, even though previous episodes have dictated that he didn't – it was disputably the result of a personality change overnight. "If you want to get to the New Location quicker, try taking the left track, and then the right."  
Thomas quickly chuffed off without so much as a thank you.

"How rude!" steamed Duncan. "He could at least bother to point out that the left track goes to the Big Station." And he followed him.

Five minutes later, however, both trains chugged back the way they came, covered in brambles. Apparently, they had discovered a disused track and came across – unbeknownst to them – the mysterious town of Another New Location.  
_Dun dun duuuun._

Duncan quickly ran off to tell everyone he knew, who then in turn informed His Royal Fat---uh, I mean, The Fat Controller, who was with his wife at the time. "A hidden town has been discovered! Come quickly! And get here fast afterwards!"  
(And if you don't get that joke, you're probably not old enough to be reading this.)

Needless to say, he did and he did, and upon arrival looked a weird combination of happy and hungry. "Flatten my top hat! This is the ancient town of Another New Location!"  
_Dun dun duu-_Yes yes, we already did that bit.

Thomas and Duncan gasped. They had heard stories about Another New Location.  
"Legend has it," said TFC, "that Another New Location was the first town ever to be built on the island of Sodor---"  
"Wait," piped up Thomas. "If we've heard stories about it, why are you telling us them now?"  
"Because the little children don't know the story yet."

Thomas, deciding to play along, searched for the so-called little children. "What little children? I don't see any little children."  
Duncan nudged him. "Aren't the children on the other side of the television scr—"  
"Yes, but we're not supposed to know that, so shut up."

TFC beamed at the two engines. "This is a Great Discovery. Thomas, you have been a Really Use--"  
Ahem.  
"Sorry. A Credit To The Railway. I am very proud of you. You shall be in charge of restoring Another New Location for the rest of the film."

Thomas beamed. Duncan didn't. "Wait a dang minute!" shrieked the latter. "**I** discovered Another New Location too. I was the one who told him where to go. Maybe, just for once, you could give some of the credit to me, and Thomas can take a back seat for once. How's that for a plan, huh?"

…

"Fascinating question, Duncan. Now take Thomas back to Tidmouth Sheds for a victory cult song celebrating Thomas's greatness."

Duncan grizzled for the whole journey back.

* * *

And now for something to advance the plot.

Thomas was very much enjoying being in charge of Another New Location. It was the closest opportunity he'd ever get to actually being the Fat Controller…well, besides all those other times that he got put in charge of something, but they were irrelevant to the story.

"Oh, by the way, Thomas," piped up a random train, "a new engine's gonna be arriving soon. His name is Stanley and he's got a white coat of paint and he's faster and stronger and way cooler than you."  
Thomas scoffed. "OK, random train, I'll keep that in mind," he reassured it, having already completely forgotten what it just said.

One musical montage later, Thomas chugged on over to **The** Docks (can't forget the last chapter, now can we?) to deliver some random supplies that would never be used again. However, when he arrived at the washdown, he saw…

A long white engine sitting where he would normally be, confidence and reassured-ness floating around his every being. His name was Stanley, and he was already proving to be faster and stronger and way cooler than Thomas. Everybody liked him, and he was very efficient at doing Thomas's regular work. His eyes were lavender one minute and sea green the next, and he had long flowing hair that reached up to his funnel even when hair was unusual on trains, and he hath telekinesis and levitating powers and he could shove trucks through walls without even trying and handle Annie and Clarabel with ease---

Hey, you know what, cut the description. I'm just gonna go ahead and call him "Marty Stu" for the rest of this parody. That'll probably sum him up more than an over-the-top description from the minds of HiT ever could.

"Hello Percy, hello new engine," Thomas called to the trains in the washdown. "I didn't know someone new was coming. I got a new shed the other day. Look at me, am I not new grand?"  
One second later, the two of them quickly turned to acknowledge the blue tank before going back to their bubble bath.  
"That's strange," muttered Thomas to himself. "Trains normally reply to me _immediately_ after I say hello. That means they don't like me anymore!" Needless to say, he got rather peeved. Unjustifiably peeved, but peeved all the same.

"Percy," he called to his friend, "stop talking to Marty Stu and talk to me. I just got here and I demand your attention."  
"But Thomas," Percy piped up, "I talk to you all the time, and so does everyone else. Is it really so bad that we're all making friends with the new engine? Aren't you the one who always goes on about having to introduce newcomers into the fold by talking to them?"

"Oh, wait, no. That's Emily. But the point still stand--"

"Don't care, I'm in charge, stop talking to him." And he puffed off without another word.

Percy turned to the newcomer. "Sorry about that, Marty Stu; Thomas can get a little clingy about our attention sometimes."  
"Oh, don't worry about it," boomed Marty Stu in a voice that could turn butter into milk, or was that the other way around? "The important thing is that everybody else loves me and that I'm the best around here."  
Normally this degree of self-obsession wouldn't be advocated, not even for moral purposes, but Percy didn't mind it this time. Despite being loyal to Thomas for the majority of his Sodor lifespan, he'd decided to drop everything and go for Marty Stu as a best friend instead; whether it was because of his special Stu powers or Percy's naivety he didn't know.

Hot dang, does this movie ever have a power complex.

* * *

Sadly for Thomas, he heard more and more about Marty Stu as he continued his jobs around the island, mostly from the scarce few girl engines. "He's really being A Credit To The Railway!" "It normally takes trucks AGES to get used to new engines, but they took to Marty Stu within mere _seconds_." "I heard he's fantastic in the engine sheds!" "I wouldn't be surprised; look at the size of those buffers!" "**Much** bigger than Thomas's!" "He's probably a better express engine too despite not being built for that sort of thing." "Ooh, he can pull MY express any day!" Things like that.  
This made Thomas, if you'll pardon the gratuitous cliché, Very Cross. He'd consistently been the greatest engine of all of Sodor for the best part of a lifetime, and now some guy he'd never seen before was going to steal his thunder. Literally so – through circumstances he was too angry to recollect in detail, Marty Stu had weaseled his way into being in charge of restoring Another New Location.  
Tired and angry, Thomas decided to go home to Tidmouth Sheds after a long day of angst. He'd probably be able to see things clearer in the morning, and he didn't feel like returning to the shed (although it was right next to him at the time of thinking this).

Meanwhile, Marty Stu was talking to the other trains outside of the aforementioned sheds, exploding a few trucks with his mind in between sentences just to show off. "Hey, I heard Thomas hasn't exactly taken a shine to me," he was joking. "Does he think I'm going to usurp his position or something?"  
"Nah," Toby wheeshed. "He's just jealous that he's no longer in the public eye 24 hours a day."  
"He really shouldn't worry, Stanley. A few more days of exposure and you'll soon become an unseen and unheard background character just like the rest of us," observed Lady as she chugged by.  
Toby looked around to find the speaker. "Huh? Who said that? Have the magical pixies arrived again?"  
"Toby, for the last time, there are no magical pixies. They're just a side effect of you slowly losing your mind and you have to tolerate it like the rest of us."  
Emily's words were ignored as Toby went chasing off. "Mr Buzz, I need the pixie catching device!"

"Just the same," mused Marty Stu, "I'd like to do something to make him like me a little better. Maybe I could keep his spot in his shed warm for him until he gets here in a bit; he could do with a nice warm resting spot."  
"How'd you know he's coming this way?" Henry gasped.  
"Hello, I hath telekinesis, remember?"  
Edward somehow forgot that the word for mind-reading is _telepathy_ in his astonishment. "You never cease to amaze me, Marty Stu," he smiled amicably as Thomas's spot was taken.  
"That's because I'm Marty Stu, the greatest engine of all." Everyone laughed with him.

Unfortunately, Thomas chose just that time to show up. Life's a ditch, isn't it?

_All right, calm down, _the shocked arriver thought as he saw that spot-stealer crack another joke. _There has to be a logical explanation for this. Or at least one that doesn't put him in such a bad light. He could simply be trying to make up for the unforgivable crime of being more awesome than me, which is nice of him for trying to rectify. I should probably ask him what's going on and give him a chance to clarify himself.  
_Then the procrastination clouds set in. They could do that sometimes. _Nah. I'm too tired to do it right now. It's less energy to jump to conclusions. I mean, I know it's the more painful option, but I haven't angsted enough today anyway._

So Thomas's response to Marty Stu's cheerful "Hey Thomas, what's up, man?" was naturally to run away, tears falling, crying "Everybody hates meeeeeee!"

* * *

The next day, The Fat Controller was receiving an important phone call. "For goodness sake, Topham, come back to bed," purred his wife. "I'd say 'come quickly', but that would be a bit hypocritical given your performance last time."  
"Sorry, darling," said the superintendent, "but this man claims to have really important news for me, and I can't hang up on him."

Indeed, the guard calling him seemed quite breathless. "Sir, it's a disaster. A truck has smashed into some oil cans up near Knapford Station."  
"And?"  
"And the crash splashed some oil in front of the station's flowers."  
"Uhm."  
"The oil then got caught alight due to a glass bottle on the platform."  
"Aw."  
"The whole station went up in the flames, sir, everything is ruined."  
"So?"  
"Two children got trapped in there and died, my little girl and my little boy."  
"That's too bad."  
"The budget is really going to have to stretch to get this fixed. Not to mention the trauma and guilt I have here in my heart. Money won't be able to fix that, sir."  
"Poor you."  
Sighing sadly, the guard decided to give him the other piece of news he'd received. "Oh, and by the by, Thomas has gone missing. Apparently thinks he's no longer A Credit To The Railway."

This evidently made TFC pay attention. "Bust my human analogy! Why didn't you say so, you buffoon?! Call everybody off their jobs and get them to search for him at once! We need him to fix everything, even if Marty Stu is currently doing a better job!"

The guard slammed the phone down, seething at the man's lack of priority. "I do **not **get paid enough for this. I don't."

Thus, the search call went out. All the other engines dropped everything they were doing and scoured the island for Thomas. After all, it wasn't as if they had any WORK to do, or any COAL to deliver, or any FIREWOOD to burn. No, all their lives focused around this one guy, and –

"Hey, where are you going?"  
A confused Percy interrupted the narration at this point. For Gordon was chugging away from his spot in the scene, bringing James with him.

"Gordon, you're not meant to be doing that," cried a voice.  
"Yeah," Percy added, "you're supposed to be looking for Thomas."  
"No," repeated the voice. "For real. You two are not meant to be leaving the set. It interferes with the parody." Cue fourth-wall expansion as we discover the voice belonged to the author of _Thomas and the Clichés_.

"Lady, there's not going to BE a parody," growled the big blue engine. "Because there's not going to be a show to parody of."  
"What, what do you mean? That sentence makes no sense; what are you tal---"

Before she could say anymore, James had bashed the cameras and the scenery, sending plastic trees and film reels all over the place.

"Attention, all Thomas and Friends personnel!" Gordon called to the rest of the room. "I've had a very long day, and I'm not in the mood to argue, so let's just get to the point. James and I have been working here for over twenty-five years and we are fed up to the back teeth with everything. Unfortunately, our contract prevents us from negotiation with HiT Entertainment, so we have to resort to more…drastic measures. Let us quit, with last paychecks, and there will be no more harm done to you and you can go free."

Thomas came chugging back in at this point, confused and lost. "Hey, I've been waiting for you guys for ages, what's going on?"  
"Two of the big engines want to quit the show," explained the author.  
"What? No! You can't do that, Gordon!" The tank engine chugged up, trying to talk some sense into the other trains. "This is **my** TV show and we can't let you quit when everything's still awesome!"

"Unfortunately, Thomas," James chuckled morbidly, "you'll just have to."

"Because if you don't," concluded Gordon, bringing out a very dangerous-looking lighter, "James will get out the gasoline and we light up this studio, and the show with it!!"


End file.
